Stand By Me

today

I am really trying.
I do.
But sleeping has gone worse.
I sleep... But I don't lie down. Despite that it is probably my favourite position.
Now I even wake up earlier.
And again, coffee. Managed not to boil it. Three italian biscuits and some extra crumbs. Paracetamol and ibuprofene. Because it's Monday.
Ashtraypathy.

The weekend has passed. One week already. There is some development in my status. I realise now that I have moved away from being injured and being pampered to being injured only.
That's it.
It is a bit like the end of the honey moon of an arranged wedding.
Too soon. Too predictable. Too sordid.

My face expression has changed. I do not inspire liking no more; or compassion.
I am resigning from it.
I am accepting the pain.
I do not remember how I use to put my socks on before. Now I just keep them on.  I do not remember how I used to manage the whole 'getting dressed' thing before. Now I just pin my underwears to my trousers with clothes pegs before putting them on. Yes, bending once rather than twice does make a difference.

Something has changed.

I can't lie down.
But I have ambition so I stand.
Vertically, I mean.
I tried standing horizontally but it is apparently as close as lying down as it can be.
It's a bit like being on a diet and eating a slice of pizza with another slice of pizza placed on top and thinking that the stomach won't see the difference. It does not work.

So I stand. But being on a boat with cracked ribs and having to stand for most of the day and night can be a little annoying.

The Stand-On Vessel*

 

 

The whole romantic idea of the boat herself, with this cosy twist given to home, with the fire going and the kettle whistling, with the pitching and tossing, with the encens encensing, with the shipping forecast on the radio going on about Forth, Tyne, and Fisher, variable, becoming cyclic, cyclonic or even bubonic, 3 or 4; Easterly 5 or 6 in North. Rain then showers. Moderate or good, becoming poor later, the whole enjoyment of a moment of calm and rest, even though I don' t have a sofa, is terribly compromised, because, let alone lying down, I can hardly sit too.
To my great concern, as the narowness of a narrow boat tends to inspire resting, sitting, being seated, giving feet a rest, grabing a chair or a log, ensconcing, hunkering, perching, parking, relaxing, sqatting, not ploping down though.
But no; I have to stand on the boat. It's a new perspective. I look at things in the distance for longer.

Everything looks different. I feel more celestial... I stand... stand... Stand!
My legs and arms, however, are getting strange.

Still. Thinking of stillness makes me dizzy. I have REM singing Sitting Still in my head... I always thought these lyrics made no sense. Now? Even less. Michael Stipe & co, you are becoming my number one band who's annoying me right now... The Buffalo Springfield swaggering, singing Sit Down I think I love you, comes second... It's despair now... What do they all have to gather in my head, it's like a party with too many chairs and not enough girls, a musical chair game you always lose...
No Otis, no, please. I can't whistle anyway.

I cannot believe this is happening to me. Don't get me wrong.  I don't even like sitting. For exemple I'd rather stand on the tube. People think I am a nice guy because on the tube I give way  to pregnant people and elderlies and families when a seat gets freed. People think I am a good audience at the theatre, because I always give a standing ovation at the end;  I even suffered through most Shakespeare's plays, again, standing. It's not that. It's because sitting is dull. In fact sitting is dangerous. And because standing is good. Because standing is good. Even Dr Block told me that, twice. Standing is good. Standing is good.
Standing is good, it is healthy; it cuts by loads of % the chance to develop cardio-vascular diseases... There is even a disease that is called the sitting disease... No joke, I am serious here. It is apparently the product of the modern sedentary lifestyle. A normal person will sit about seven and a half hours per day. Per day! It's too long. It should not be. Seven and a half hours per day. I can hardly do three.

I cut down my sitting time. Radically. It might be a good thing; but my lying down time is inexistant. There is no justice.
Nevertheless I am doing right for my body. I am healthy.
Being on a boat with cracked ribs and having to stand is healthy.
I might just pick up smoking again then...

And then

 

So I guess I am a bit frustrated today.

It is again a dilemna I am facing.
I want to find a zone of confort. I want to rest. I want to lie down. I am good at standing, but I think I lie better. I might even prefer lying down. I want to lie down. I demand to have some lying down. But 'I want never gets'. It is utopic, in both senses of the word.
If I remembered what my my Ancient Greek teacher told us (I don't even remember if I studied Ancient Greek), I would know that 'Utopia' has two meanings.
Instead, I watched the Mad Men and they explained it in season one. It means 'the good place' and 'the place that cannot be'. It is where I want to be. But I cannot go there because it does not exist.
It is lying down when I want to sleep. It is sitting when I want to eat. It is standing when I want to stand. But instead I stand when I need to sleep. I stand when I eat.
And I sleep when I stand.
And that, is dystopia.

As I said I am resigning. I am quitting the world of the seated.
I shall not sit or be seated, lie down or get laid (hum).
I shall stand still.
I shall be as pathetic as a standing army.
I shall look like a fisher man anytime I stand next to a pond.
I shall stand in the rain. I will be wet. If Audrey Hepburn were to stand next to me,
she would be sexy.
I won't stand up for that.
Until then, I'll stand by.

And maybe someone will stand by me. As Bill Withers once told me, I can lean on him when I'm not strong, 'cause he'll be my friend, and he'll help me carry on. On a boat with cracked ribs, I can spend an afternoon leaning on someone's shoulders because today, after hours of standing by, my arms and legs feel funny.

I leave with this one

B.

*It is the rule 17 in the International Navivation Rules. It happens mostly when two boats are in sight of each other and crossing ways. If I don't give way, I stand-on. It is kind of complicated to know whether I am the give-way vessel or the stand-on vessel but to be short I am not the stand-on vessel when crossing with under powered boats, working boats and Dominique. If I am to cross way with Dominique, if he is cruising a boat or anything else, I'll give way. No matter what;